***
A rugby referee died and went to heaven. Stopped by St Peter at the gates he was told that only brave people who had performed heroic deeds and had the courage of their convictions could enter. If the ref could describe a situation in his life where he had shown these characteristics, he would be allowed in.
"Well," said the ref, "I was reffing a game between Northern Transvaal and Natal at Loftus Versveld. Northerns were 2 points ahead, 1 minute to go. The Natal wing made a break, passed inside to his lock. The lock was driven on by his forwards, passed out to the flanker who ducked blind and went over in the corner. However, the flanker dropped the ball before he could ground it, and as Natal were clearly the better side all game, I ruled that he had dropped the ball down, not forward, and awarded the try."
"OK, that was fairly brave of you, but I will have to check it in the book." says Peter, and disappears to look it up. When he comes back he says "Sorry, there is no record of this. Can you help me to trace it? When did all this happen?"
The ref looked at his watch and replied "45 seconds ago."
***
Van der Merwe was watching a rugby test against the British Lions at Loftus Versfeld stadium in Pretoria. In the packed stadium, there was only one empty seat - next to Van der Merwe.
"Who does that seat belong to?" asked his neighbour.
"It's for my wife."
"But why isn't she here?"
"She died."
"So why didn't you give the ticket to one of your friends?"
"They've all gone to the funeral."
***
Here's a true story.
It was back in the late sixties or early seventies. Glasgow District were on tour to the south of France and one Gordon Brown (Broon Fae Troon) was making his first tour with them. He had been told that Rugby was big down there and to expect a lot of publicity.
When the plane landed in the South of France he was the first off the plane and was greeted by thousands of people standing on the airport terraces cheering and waving. So Broonie wasn't exactly expecting a welcome such as this but he waved back anyway.
What he didn't realise at the time was that Concorde was making its maiden flight at that same time and the crowds were cheering at it and not the rugby players.
***
Once, a long time ago, there was a Wallaby tour of New Zealand. During their stay in Wellington, one of the players had a fairly torrid affair with a local lass. The team moved on, the girl stayed behind, and the whole thing was eventually forgotten about.
Four years later, the same player returns back to NZ with another Wallaby touring side. They are in Wellington, and who should he see walking down the street but his lover with a small child! He runs up to her and greets her, and asks if the child is his. "Yes", she says, "it is.". "But why didn't you tell me?" he asked plaintively. "Well" she said, "after I found out I was pregnant, I invited all the members of my family together for a discussion on the matter - my grandparents, my parents, my uncles, aunts and cousins. And we all came to the same conclusion: we would rather that it was a bastard than have a Wallaby for a father".
***
Q. What do Princess Di and Jonah Lomu have in common?
A. They are both f...ing good rugby players.